Business Week decides to kick a man when he's down with this article about Paul Pressler and what he did and didn't do to single-handedly bring Gap to its knees. There were several moments where I laughed out loud at the ludicrousness of some of the scenarios. Hope you enjoy.
When it's slow at work, my mind tends to wander to the inane or ridiculous. So, while I was working in the fitting room, there was a woman with her two children, trying on clothes. Afterwards, she comes out and her children begin to run up and down the fitting runway.
Once the mother gathered her children and left, another employee looked at me with that look one makes when they see a parent not parenting. I think we've all had that look on our face at one time or another. The employee then motions me over and I see the little girl on the ground. "Did he knock her over?" I asked. She nodded yes.
This got me to thinking. Everyone is familiar with cockfights. If you're not, cockfights are an aggressive blood sport that pits two specially bred and trained roosters against one another in a pit. Often wagers are made to determine the winning cock and fleeing from police will become a favored past time. But why not substitute roosters with children?
After continuing to think about this, it was clear that a cockfight with kids was too pedestrian. It needed more structure, so I decided it needed to have the grit of Fight Club, with a UFC rule thrown in for safety. I certainly don't want any children to die that would be irresponsible. Therefore, I decided to come up with a few rules.
Rule #1: Only combatants between the ages of 2 and 10 are eligible.
Rule #2: Combatants will fight those in the same weight class.
Rule #3: Only two combatants to a fight.
Rule #4: The fight is only over when a combatant is knocked out.
Rule #5: Fights will go on for as long as the combatants are conscious.
Rule #6: Everyone goes out for ice cream after the fight.
I figure if kids are going to fight, and they are; you might as well give them an arena to do it with a few basic guidelines. These fights can be held anywhere where children are available, toy stores, play grounds, schools, you name it and a fight can take place.
Have you ever seen a couple and wondered how these two people of obviously different leagues got together? I happened upon a couple today while I was doing my time in the fitting room. A man walks in, looking slightly above average at a quick glance, possibly average upon closer inspection, wearing all black or what I like to call, "cliché-chic". I show him to his room and go back to my task.
A few seconds later a woman walked in and said, "I'd like a room next to my husband." I thought; what husband? Certainly she wasn't talking about the man I just showed to a room. That was impossible, she looked below average whether you were glancing at her or looking her straight in the face. I walked her to the room next to her "husband". As I was opening the door, she said, "Next to that young strapping man." WHAT!? Immediately I felt enough awkwardness for both me and her husband who was probably feeling the same. I politely chuckled and promptly went back to my task.
One would hope that was the end of it, to my horror, it wasn't. It actually got more awkward. While they are both in their separate rooms, she says aloud, "My husband, I like saying that." This garners no response from him. I get the feeling they are newlyweds, but of the older variety. If you looked at the husband and thought young, he would look young. If you thought slightly older, he could pass as being in his mid thirties. The wife on the other hand, just looked old.
Next, she says, "I love you." He responds in kind, but a somewhat exasperated "I love you" like he didn't want to say it, but felt he had to. They both step out of their rooms to get each other's opinions and the wife talks about how the pants look too baggy. Yes, they're baggy, that's kind of the point when you pick out Loose fit khakis; they fit loose, so they're going to look baggy. I didn't say it, because I was just overhearing a conversation and didn't want to take part in anything that was going on there.
She continues to pick at his pants and says, "This style doesn't work for you, you're more GQ." I immediately smiled, because that applies amazingly well to their relationship. He's GQ style; she's Old Navy style. If you read GQ and you heed GQ's advice about men's fashion, you don't go to Old Navy. They both close their doors and put the next item on.
She comes out of her room first and proclaims to her husband for all to hear, "You're not going to like these pants, big camel toe." If you don't know what that is, I'm definitely not going to explain it, and I advise you not to look it up. Needless to say, I was unprepared to hear it said and I thought how utterly low class this woman was. The awkwardness in the room elevated infinite fold. Again, what did this man find attractive about his wife?
My mind turned to mush for a few minutes, trying to recover. The man comes out of his room and hands me the clothes he wasn't getting. I couldn't look him in the eye, and he probably didn't want me to. He hung around for a few minutes waiting for his troll of a wife to finish and then walks out. The wife comes out of her fitting from looking for her husband repeating loudly, "Runaway husband" in her obnoxious tone that could peel paint. If I were he, I would be running as far away from this woman as possible, but he was just standing outside the fitting rooms by their cart.
When they finally leave, I wondered how long this marriage was going to last. By the sound of it, she probably had something on him that he didn't want to get out. The only way she would keep his dirty secret was by marrying her. That can be the only explanation. He must have done something terrible to warrant such a punishment.
Church today was chock-full of funny little scenarios and events that I thought I would share with you. First, as Mom and I filed into our row, Chuck a very nice older gentleman came over to hand us the "worship folder". I caught a glimpse of his nametag, and for the first time I realized his last name. I'm not sure if he always put his last name on it, but on this particular day, it stood out. I looked over to my Mom and asked, "Is Chuck's last name Hull?" She nodded and I said, "So his name is Chuck Hull." We both chuckled.
After the singing ended, we sat down and Mom opened up her "worship folder" to take a look at all the fun and interesting things that are going on. Upon the opening of the folder, the sermon notes fall. If it were anyone else and not Mom or I for that matter, the notes would have just fallen to the floor without incident. Instead, the notes fall and just before hitting the floor, swoops out flying under the chair in front of her and glides to a stop one row up. Mom and I look at each other with panic and embarrassment in our face. The gentleman in the row, gets up out of his seat, bends down and picks up the paper then hands it back to my mom.
Once the announcements were read by the new jeans wearing Pastor of Community Connections and Men's Ministries, he instructed us all to stand up and greet those around us. This is the worst part of going to church in my opinion, but like a good Christian, I stood and began greeting and shaking hands. I shook one hand, then another, finally coming to a gentleman named Ho. Since we all wear nametags, I commonly will say, "Hi [Person's Name]!" This time I had to stop before I broke into song.
Finally, this week was Communion a ceremony that I have come to dread since my hysterical laughing incident several months ago. A couple of times, I've assisted in handing out the "body" and the "blood" and loved how structured the ceremony was. There was a group of people that would come out with a plate full of "body" and "blood" and they would follow a pattern by handing a plate to every other row. The whole thing would typically go smoothly. This time the pastor at the front asked if a dozen or so people would volunteer to hand out communion and ensure everyone was served. A bunch of people got up and headed to the back to grab a plate. What proceeded was a nightmare. It was an unorganized mess of people literally running around the church to grab the plate from the other end of the row. It seemed that everyone was working the left side of the church, while only a few were attending to the right. For something that was supposed to be a solemn moment of communion with God, it turned into a three-ring circus of people swinging from the rafters.
It was probably one of the more entertaining Church experiences I've had in awhile. I just hope they don't do this to communion again, because it was distracting and completely detracted from its meaning.
Tigger, the beloved character from the Winnie the Pooh children's books and popular Disney movies have once again got in trouble with the law. You may remember back in 2004 when he was accused of fondling a 13-year old girls breast during a photo session. Apparently, the bad boy in the Disney family has moved on to assault. During yet another photo session, a favorite for the attention starved star, Tigger was recorded intentionally hitting a young child "on or about the head".
When asked why he continues to get into trouble, Tigger commented, "I'm tired of playing second fiddle to that fat, stoned bear. It's time I get a little ink." From Tiggers comment, it appears that unless you want your child to get sexually or physically assaulted, you should probably keep clear of this bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy tiger.
I love the library because on more than one occasion I walk away with gems like the one above. The music may be terrible, in this case, it's average, but the covers are fantastic. This particular CD is entitled, "Not Your Mother's LDS Music". LDS as you may know, stands for Latter Day Saints and so this CD is supposed to squash any preconceptions of religious music.
There are a couple of things other than the title that makes this cover hysterical. The first is found on the back cover, it states, "You may think you know what 'LDS Music' sounds like, but if you haven't heard these great artists, you don't." Really? After inserting the disc into the player, my Mom said about the first song, "This sounds familiar." I responded, "This is what all Christian music sounds like." I knew exactly what to expect and I wasn't disappointed. What's more, I'm sure no one who picks this CD up would be that surprised by the pop-styled harmonies and acoustic sound.
Another rather interesting note is the sticker in the upper left corner of the front cover used for categorizing the CD and its alphabetical placement. It says, "Christian Not". For a religion that has struggled to be known as Christian, I find it more than a little ironic that an LDS CD bears this sticker that suggests otherwise.
I love it when all these elements occur in one incidence, a great title, a hysterical blurb on the back cover and an ironic sticker. This is a trifecta of brilliance.
subscribe
DIGG IT!
Del.icio.us
